the absence of fear.

Lately, I have been thinking a great deal about fear. What it is, how it affects me. What impact it has on my life. Fear is everywhere. I used to think that because I was so afraid, it meant that I was weak. That there was something wrong with me because so much scared me, because I lacked courage at times, because I ran away from situations when they got hard. My fear ate away at my soul because I thought it was an indicator of my worth. 

 I have known some truly courageous people in my life. Some people who have beaten the odds, who have ran forward when others told them to stay back. People who have put their whole hearts into overcoming fear, who have refused to give up even when it seemed the dark would eventually win. These people know what it means to struggle well. They look at their obstacles as opportunities, and don't listen to the voices that bring discouragement. 

I used to think that these people didn't experience as fear as much as I did. That it was there, but it was something they could push aside because they knew they would succeed. Something that was an afterthought, an emotion that was easily conquerable. 

Here's the thing. That which brings us the most joy, the most fulfillment, the greatest success? They are the victories that almost always began with fear and a dream. 

And chances are, they didn't work out the first time. They may not have even worked out the second or third time. They were most likely frowned upon by others, most likely not rational or realistic from the start. They may have had to be modified as time went by, pruned in the same way you would a plant to make it grow. The process would have been messy, unpredictable, and certainly not glamorous. 

And almost always, there would have been fear.

Nelson Mandela said the following:

I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

I have come to realize that if I want to effect change I am going to have to be courageous. I'm going to have to be willing to fail, willing to upset people, willing to not try and convince people I'm perfect. I'm going to have to embrace the feeling of fear, to welcome it as knowledge that I am doing something right. 

Courage doesn't come easily. It's not something you have or you don't. It's something you practice, that you gain little by little as you face daily challenges. It's a decision to commit to something you believe in, to run after the beautiful things that have been forgotten. It's the choice to be different in order to make a difference. It's hope in the most practical form. 

This year, I want to practice courage. I want to feel the fear and do it anyway. I want to fail big, to know that I didn't go down without a fight. I want to remember that there are things worth being courageous for, that the fear is an indicator of value--not weakness. 

Courage is not the absence of fear. Thank goodness for that.