"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." Thornton Wilder
Gratitude feels like your whole world is so full it could burst with color and light. It feels like love in its purest form--like laughter that never runs out and hope that never runs cold. It feels like everything in the universe has come together and you can see for miles and miles things which you could never have seen before.
It feels whole.
These days, its hard to be grateful. I am the first person to say that more days than not I find reason to see something wrong with my life. When I was younger, my nickname used to be "Debbie Downer". I'm not joking. It was in my nature to see impending doom before it ever arrived on my doorstep. I wanted to be able to prepare for the worst--to see it coming and accept it happening so early on so that if it actually did, I wouldn't be thrown for a loop. I lived a great deal of my life this way. I still do, in many respects.
But what I learned from all those years of fear is only that fear keeps us from being able to live fully in the moment. It robs us of our joy, and in doing so, can rob us of our reality. While we can very easily spot and label the reasons to give up hope, we can also do the opposite. Listen, I know this world is a shitty place. I have many examples that I could share with you that seemingly create a strong argument for why we should believe that the darkness has certainly won. I have seen things my eyes cannot unsee, experienced shadows that we don't think exist until we have touched and felt them, until they have become apart of our immediate existence. I have seen my loved ones suffer and children cry out for mothers who aren't there and unspeakable injustices that permeate entire generations of people.
I have seen what the world should not be.
And I have seen what it is.
I have seen love that cannot be broken, strong and true and generous to the core. I have heard laughter in the midst of sorrow, felt the hope rising in the room. I have been cared for, deeply, by those who know me and those who do not. I have seen the kindness of strangers and the compassion of the poor, I have known the sacrifices of parents who want the best for me and the embrace of friends who will never, ever let me sit alone in the dark. I have known hope so real and so tangible that it echoes throughout my soul and down to my feet and then back out through my fingers in such a way that I feel I might explode with light.
With peace.
And this is what it means to be grateful. It does not mean that we ignore pain or grief or sickness or death. It means seeing the darkness and light at the same time, recognizing that beauty is rare but present, that our pain is even now creating a promise for someone else. It is saying "I'm afraid" but believing that our hope is strong. That our patience in affliction, our reaching out for all that is good and bright is not wasted. That we will continue to fight, continue to press on, continue to look up when everything everywhere is shouting for us to look down.
When we stop being afraid of loss we become open to the life that is in front of us, right now, right here. We shift our perspectives and see the things that are hidden--the things that are real. The things that cannot be taken away from us no matter what happens, no matter how bad it gets.
Fear empties us.
Gratitude makes us full.
And we cannot exist without it.
