what i learned in the forest of fear.

Halloween is supposed to be a scary time, but if you ask me, most of life is scary. Real stuff happens out there man. We like to think we can protect ourselves from it, harden our hearts and shield ourselves from the constant arrows flying through the air. The truth is, it's not that easy. We are messy, and our mess gets everywhere, splattering the walls and turning our insides out for everyone to see.

I make a practice of not being vulnerable. I am a safe person. I'm very skilled in this area. If I do not show fear, if I don't move too quickly, maybe I won't scare everyone away. Maybe I'll be more attractive this way, more appealing to those around me. To me, emotions are bad. They're scary. We are supposed to be cool and uncaring, confident in ourselves and sure of our worthiness in this world. But mostly, I'm scared.

My guess is you are too.

I'm scared that I'm alone. I'm scared that who I am is too much or too little to make someone stay or leave. I'm scared if I love too hard, my heart will be broken into a million unmendable pieces. I'm scared, all the time, of everything. 

I work with men who have experienced unspeakable, irreversible trauma. Their scars are the loudest thing about them, presented by a silence so deadened you wonder if they've ever heard love at all. But they come, to my office, and slowly let me see them. Sometimes only for a minute, sometimes longer. And what I learn in that moment is that their scars are the most beautiful thing about them. In them there is truth written, real truth, truth that changes everything. There is meaning that inspires and encourages, tears that show hope and promise that even in the pain, even there, something is being made. 

Something is alive. 

And I've come to find, that we cannot do fear alone, because fear feeds itself in isolation. 

This weekend, I had the joy of taking a weekend trip with some of the best people I know. We decided to go to a haunted forest for fun, braving the woods for a thirty minute walk through a literal forest of fear. And I thought to myself, this is my chance to prove how brave I am, to show that I can overcome my emotions, to show that I am unafraid, unfazed by it all. 

To show that I can't be hurt anymore.

So I began the journey in, huddled with my best friends who have become my family, taking the lead and pridefully saying, I can do this alone. 

But what I saw in those woods was not fearlessness, but love.

I was surrounded, both in reality and metaphorically, by people who know me inside and out, by people who have seen me through thick and thin, by people who have embraced me in my pain.

People who love me, sacrificially, wholly, and without exception.

And as we moved forward, together, we let our fear of the forest become a courage rooted in love.

We found ourselves not hiding our fear, but expressing it, accepting it, and encouraging each other through it. We made sacrifices as to who would go first and face the path in front of us, and who would go last and watch our backs. We laughed and we got frustrated and we yelled at each other and we almost cried but we did not leave one another behind.

We stayed. 

When it was hard. 

When it was unpleasant.

When we ourselves were afraid.

When the insane people chased us with chain saws and the pumpkins came to life and that shirtless man threatened to cut off my face.

We stayed.

And this, this is what life is about. Not hiding, not covering up. But loving. Moving toward. Showing up and not letting go.

Perfect love drives out fear. 

And we are all very afraid. 

But love...

Love changes things.

Love is brave.

Love is vulnerable. 

Love feels.

And courage?

Courage is found in community. 

Let yourself be afraid.

But never walk alone.