As someone who grew up in a religious community, it is a habitual pattern of mine to label things as good or bad. We are told, from a Christian perspective, that we are born into sin—and then spend the better portion of our lives worrying about this.
And this is not unique to Christianity (or many other religions) in the slightest. Regardless of how you grew up, at some point or another it is likely that you believed yourself to be bad in some way. It is our human nature to divide our decisions, behaviors, and even emotions into two very distinct categories:
Good
Or bad.
Sometimes, this habit even flows into our assessments of seasons
of life. I don’t think that anyone would look back on the last two years and
think to themselves, “Wow, that was so GOOD right?!” We have lived through a collective
trauma on multiple levels, one that has left many of us in a state of bewildered
despondency to say the least.
At times, the most that we can do is to keep putting one foot
in front of the other.
We want the answers, we want to know how things are
going to turn out. Even more than this, we want to be able to make the right
decisions, the good decisions that ensure a good ending.
When I am working with clients as a therapist, one of the
most common themes that comes up is this dichotomy between good and bad. People
want to know if they are normal, if their thoughts and feelings and choices are
okay, if they are okay.
And this is perfectly understandable—we all want to be accepted.
The problem is that our acceptance of ourselves, each other, and the world
around us is based on the wrong thing. It is not as simple as good or bad,
wrong or right. We are not as simple as that. We are all mixed up, full
of conflicting feelings and our very, very sticky humanity. At any given moment we
may experience the world through a complicated lens of our own making, one that leaves very
little room for the grace and love and hope we all most desperately need.
Our anxiety around what is happening in our lives and how we
can get back to a good place (or personhood) can often rob us of the many joys
(and lessons) to be found in the here and now. We cannot make an intuitive
decision from a fearful place.
Sit with that for a moment.
We cannot make an intuitive decision from a fearful
place.
This means that one of the preconditions for a full life is
acceptance—of all of it.
When things are hard, it does not mean that we Pollyanna our
way through it. But it does mean that we soften into it, with open hands and
curiosity, with understanding and compassion and gentleness. The more we push
up against what we wish not to be, the more we beat ourselves up about which way to go, the more chaotic we become.
In the Yoga Sutras, it says, “Yoga is the stilling of the
fluctuations of the mind.” Many yoga teachings speak about still waters. If you
are in a river, it may be hard to see your feet and where you are going with
the water rushing all around. In fact, it actually may be impossible. But if you are in a place where the water is calm, you will be able to see everything
around you including your feet.
You see, good or bad does not allow for still waters. They are
expectations that require much, much movement.
We miss out on so much of the sweet stuff by focusing on trying to change the
past or control the future, which we believe we can do if we just try hard
enough. We hold ourselves prisoners to a system that is doing us no favors.
What would it be like to instead compassionately hold ourselves exactly where we are
with gentle, loving-kindness?
In this moment, do you notice if you are holding your breath?
Are your shoulders tense and raised up towards your ears? Does it seem like you are bracing yourself for an inevitable fall? Do you feel like your mind is straight
jacket of your own making?
Are you TIRED?
Inhale, exhale.
Good, bad.
As Susan P. David says, sometimes “let it go” can be “hold
it lightly.”
And as Ram Dass says, don’t take yourself so personally.
We are all learning the road back to ourselves one day at a
time.
Let yourself be present and curious for the journey.
Let yourself be bigger than "good" or "bad."
You are so much more than your limitations.
Stay open to this moment, with its many inconsistencies, in all its beautiful glory.
Because really, everything worth having is found in the in-between, anyway.
