In my life definition, to resign is to give up--to sit back and silently take what life has thrown at you. I mentioned in my last post that 'hopelessness' has also been a big word for me this year. Well, if there is an action to accompany the word hopeless, for me it is resignation.
Reflecting on this season, I came to the grim realization that there are no guarantees in life. I once thought that love and happiness, children and marriage, job security and life insurance--that all these things were life's natural gifts to me. I knew there would be hard times. Seasons of dryness and mountains that seemed less than worth the climb. I also knew that I didn't have to fear what most of the world does--famine, war, perpetual death. I knew I was blessed to be born where I was, when I was.These things were indeed offerings that I did not and do not deserve.
And while I can wish and hope whole heartedly that the blessings continue, I know that there is a very likely possibility that they will not. I have already seen some of those unfortunate dreams die this year, and have failed to understand the whys and hows of their disappearances. For awhile, I sat in these disappointments. I grumbled and complained. I became angry. I became, I am not proud to say, very bitter and selfish.
I thought alot during this time. As I went into work every day and observed the lives of my students, I wondered at the state of their existences. They could do little on their own--everything was dependent on the decisions of their caregiver. Many could not eat on their own, and their personal space was constantly invaded by strangers they had no option but to trust. And this will not change for them. They will spend their days this way. This is not fair. Why them and not me? What did they do? What do their families think and feel? How do they cope? Life has certainly not been kind to them. Life is very hard. Day to day is hard.
So, what do we do when life gives us very real lemons? Do we give up? Roll over? I very much want to most of the time. I don't want to face these uncomfortable realities. I want to believe that life, by its own righ,t is good and faithful. But if it hasn't been, and will not be, where do we go from here?
I want to fight. No, that's not quite right. I need to fight. It is imperative that I start making lemonade, right now, today. Mostly, because I can. I have a working body. A (fairly) sound mind. An ability to start over, dream big, and beat the hell out of those lemons. And while I will always be reminded of the tartness of those struggles which threatened to bring me down, they willnot, I repeat, will NOT replace the sastisfying sweetness of the lemondade. Of the victory.
So I will fight. I will squeeze. For me, for my students. For life.
No comments:
Post a Comment