Psalm 34:4.

I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all of my fears.

I'm sitting at the coffee shop I grew up in, the same shopping center that has been here since I was six years old--right next to my neighborhood. Not much has changed here. Shops have come and go but it has mostly stayed the same. There's the same book exchange, the same salon, the same drug store. Small changes have been made, but as a whole it is has stayed true to its moderately helpful if not sub-par shopping experience.

And as I sit here and think back on my own life, I feel the same. I have changed in many small ways, but I'm still the same girl who bought frapps and read magazines in the aisles of the Eckerd pharmacy. I have the same adventurous spirit that prompted me to turn the parking lot into a playground and the Fresh Market into a fascinating documentary on produce. I still walk here from my house, fully believing that the use of cars where bikes or feet are more than capable is a waste of life and money. I still engage my people watching skills, although in a much socially acceptable way (not as a spy who sneaks around and writes things down and creepily stalks peoples' eating habits....I was in a Harriet the Spy mode for awhile there).

I'm still me. But I'm more alive. I don't know exactly when it happened or how, but I am different than before. I am more whole. I am happier. Most of all, I am not afraid. There is still anxiety there--I think that is my natural tendency. But I'm not the nervous wreck I was before. I have become a fighter. I have seen a little bit of what I am capable of, and am hungry for more. I have seen and felt the Lord--his affection for me, his quiet confidence in the plans for my life, his joy at watching me succeed. And I have learned to trust him.

Thinking to last summer, I never could have imagined I would be where I am now. Suffering from some serious depression and anxiety, my view of myself and life as a whole was in the pits, literally. I felt fear and despair over everything. I didn't trust myself, I didn't trust my God, and I did not trust my emotions. I didn't know where life was headed, and I was terrified of the darkness that seemed to consume my waking hours. This year was an emotional and mental hell, and each day felt like a mountain with no summit. Eventually, I stopped expecting to find the top. I focused on my day-to-day, on what I could find joy and life in within the moment. It wasn't much. A cup of coffee, a phone call from a friend, a constant thankfulness for a steady job (though not exactly and easy one). And I made it through. Slowly. Painfully. With much doubt and a great deal of tears.

I stopped looking for answers. I stopped trying to figure out myself and the situations surrounding me. I stopped trying to avoid the pain and anger and sadness. I confronted myself. I confronted my emotions. I confronted the God who claimed to care about this world and the things going on in it. I couldn't see hope, and I couldn't fake it anymore.

The strange thing is, my acceptance of myself and the life that was happening around me ended up being my salvation. Instead of trying to make things work the way I wanted them to, I became aware that I may not always have the best solutions. I realized that things don't works in my timing not because God is mean, but because he is ultimately good and wise.

The most important thing I came to understand is that if there is one thing that God promises it is to be there in our emotions. While he often shows up in our circumstances, these are not the things he garentees. He comes through in his ability to instill confidence and hope, to offer peace when the world is crazy chaotic. He promises to lead us in truth--truth of who we are in him, truth of what his death really meant on the cross. He is hope, even when things are most desperate. And this hope--it is instilled in us. We are Christ--the hope of glory through Jesus. Do you know what that feels like, to know that his hope and glory are shining through you for the world to see? To know that no matter your faults, your failures, your weaknesses, that he can use you. He will use you, it is not in his nature to let you fall.

And that's how I have changed. I sought the Lord for two long years, and he answered me. Fully, without me bettering myself first. He delivered me from my fears and instilled a hope for a future. In the area that scared me most--my emotions--he brought incredible grace and truth. He propelled me to do things I would have never done before, he helped me in my fear.

I am going to grad school in the fall to be a counselor. Me, the queen of all fears. The one who is afraid of emotions, afraid of taking chances, and who fights for control. I have listened to the one who made me, and have decided to follow no matter the cost. I have decided to live.

And the King of Glory--he is going to bring hope. Through me, through you, if only we let him deliver us from our fears.