Be kind, rewind.

We are in a stage of life that urges us to go faster, be better and make few mistakes. It is incredibly tempting at times to shame or guilt myself into doing things that I know aren't true to who I am inside. We take jobs we hate, offer time to others that isn't really available, and dedicate little space to growing and resting our souls.

Most of all, we find ourselves in a constant battle to achieve perfection. For me, the fight is chiefly up against my perpetually annoying friend--anxiety. I oftentimes crumble under the weight of fear, playing out scenarios in my head that are far from the actual happenings or remote possibilities. And I let these thoughts win. They overtake my mind, fray the nerves of my already worn body, and crush the spirit.

They are not worth my time, or yours. They are a part of my body and yes, they do exist as parts of my everyday experience. But they do not have to be truth. They do not have to alter me and repress what I was so beautifully made to do. And I AM beautiful. I am unique and special and made for such a specific purpose. I feel things deeply and express them wildly. I'm not perfect--I speak my mind too often, become dramatic on occasion and am prone to crying easily. But these are areas for growth, not definitions of my character.

So today, be kind to yourself. When you feel your thoughts racing or your heart burdened with feelings of worthlessness--stop. Rewind. Go back to before the room started to spin and you felt the lies seeping into your being. Give yourself permission and grace to make mistakes. Value the process and value yourself most of all. We were not made to get it right the first time around, and you will get no where at all by bullying yourself into oblivion.

Be kind. Rewind--and feel free to start over again.

Baby spiders.

First off, let me just say I found three baby spiders crawling around my scalp just now.

Did I freak out?

Is that even a question?

I don't know where they came from or what they were thinking trying to nest it up in my hair, but it's safe to say I'm not going to be sleeping very peacefully tonight. One of my biggest fears is that a bunch of tiny little spiders are going to be be born at the foot of my covers and overtake me--a rational thought if YOU have ever found more than one spider comfortably crawling near all the openings that lie within the facial area of the body.

I'm finding that lately my old life has been creeping up like those spiders. There are days I think I am rid of my past ways and then BAM! Baby spider attack. Except that the spiders are the lies of my old life and the attack is much more destructive than anything a harmless eight legged creature could attempt (unless it was a poison one).

I miss the comfort of my misery. It may sound strange, but depression was always a safety net for me. I knew who I was when I was depressed and what was expected of me. It felt more natural for me and right for me to think negatively of myself than to believe something that seemed less true than the labels of "depressed" and "anxious". The lack of responsibility for myself and others was easier than getting better, and far more consistent than anything else had been in my life. I was content. And I was miserable. I had a choice to choose then so I chose it--I had to get up and get out. My life depended on it.

So I did. And I am much, much happier now. Much more filled and fruitful. Anticipatory of the glory and hope that I already feel coursing through my bones. But I also feel pangs of fear. A little freaked out about letting that old me go. About letting certain relationships go, certain expectations for my life. Certain ways that I thought would always be, certain ways of relating to myself and others. I'm resisting the change but the hairs still stand up on my back when I think about the spiders.

And so I have to brush them off. Shake them violently off, if I have to. They want to remind me, to drag me down into the web of destructive thinking. But I am smarter than they, and more capable now. Stronger, and I know that while the feeling of them crawling up my spine is enough to throw me for a spin, I am bigger and more powerful to say the least.

So I kill them with great satisfaction. I still am wary of them, careful of their sneaky ways. But I know that as time goes on they will learn to keep their distance, and I will be better at avoiding their webs. There will be less of them, until there are no more of them that plague my life.

And the old me? Squashed.

The most beautiful lightning bolt.

Her name is Tessa. She is the beautiful spark of lightning that has illuminated my life for the past five years. When I first met her, I didn't know how special she was (truth be told). I remember thinking that she was pretty and athletic, and quiet in a good way. I asked her to be my roommate for our freshman year at JMU, she agreed. I figured she would be a fine person to live with, but didn't expect us to be much more than that. We were so different--different interests, different ways of interacting, different friends.

I was dead wrong.

And that's the understatement of the century. As soon as our parents walked out that dorm room door we became absolutely and irreversibly inseparable. Something about who we were as individuals was brought to incredible life when we were around each other. She taught me to be steady and true, she let me be who I was when no one else was watching. She endured my crazy and loved every minute of it. She taught me to run and to love my body by eating well, and she nurtured my need for adventure.

Most of all, she made me laugh. Simple sentences said in complete honesty and innocence became the basis for inside jokes that would last for years to come. No one else understood our humor, and we created a world in which we were the greatest comedians of all time. I am absolutely positive that everyone loathed being around us, as it was very hard to catch up on what hours of time and daily life together had created--true, beautiful best friendship that could never compare to any other relationship in our lives. We ended up living in the same room together all four years of college, and shared much more than just common space. We had the same major, same job and were involved in the same clubs. And while there were times we definitely needed our space, we always had each other at the end of the day.

And I am so much better for it. Tessa is unlike anyone I have ever known. She has the discipline and grace of a wicked fast and wildly successful marathon runner. In fact, she is so committed to her love of running that it often competes with her relationships (I never minded). She has run countless races, at least three marathons, and has expanded her repertoire to include rocky trails and terrain. She pushes herself to be the very best that she can be, and is one of the hardest workers I have had the privilege of being around. She is always organized, always on top of things, and always there for those that are close to her.


She is also one the most kind, caring individuals you will ever meet. She is committed to her friendships, and is the best at sending cards and gifts via mail. She is encouraging and motivating, and makes you want to find the life that she has managed to grab hold of every single day. She is constantly on the go but always there in spirit--reminding you of her friendship in little ways that make the biggest difference.

Tessa knows exactly who she is. She knows what she loves, what she wants to be, and how she wants to live her life. She has never tried to be anything but herself--and I love her most for that. Having such a constant, stable and never wavering friend has been the biggest blessing at all. She is my family in every way, and I can't say enough to explain how much she means to me.

Some people say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. That the magnificent bolt that streaks the sky is a once in a lifetime experience that cannot be exactly replicated ever again. I think that friendship often occurs the same way. And Tessa...she is my lightning bolt. Whether I get married or not, there will never be another person who will replace the spot in my heart that is reserved specifically and only for her. We have the love of a lifetime filled with all the fruits of a friendship that no man will ever understand. We have walked arm in arm through the good, the bad, and the absolutely heartbreaking. We have laughed, cried, fought and grown into the women we are together. She is my friend, she is my family, and she is the spark of lightning that will never burn out.

As for me? I'm just glad I got to be a part of the strike.