Dying to yourself.

As Christians, we have these really funny phrases we like to use often, with a great amount of certainty as to what they mean. We throw them around here and there, convinced that they help us to lead a holier life. Looking at those around us, we painstakingly attempt to mirror the performances of those we believe have somehow perfected perfectionism--hoping to catch a bit of the goodness that they so effortlessly seem to radiate. We push and prod and change ourselves until we are no longer sure who it is the person we are trying to become. We are certainly reflecting something, but I'm not sure its the someone that ironically founded the process in the first place. More often than not, we trade who we are for who we think we are supposed to be, and our souls are less beautiful because of it.

One such phrase I have been thinking about this week is "dying to yourself." A good friend of mine prompted  me to reflect on this idea, asking what I felt it really meant or even looked like. There was of course, a very typical Christian answer that popped into my head, one that I'm sure most people would be apt to respond with. However, as I have been working to achieve my degree in psychology and counseling, my thoughts have slowly been changing on this subject.

I think sometimes I like to get caught up in my "badness". To an extent, I think this is often what we are taught through our communities. We are reminded to show ourselves grace, but not too much. To love ourselves, but to not be selfish. To be whole and healthy, but to put others before ourselves. I don't know about you, but sometimes it seems like these messages don't exactly go together. Even worse, it is incredibly easy to be shamed into thinking that we aren't doing enough, giving enough, or just plain being enough as we are. We claim our depravity but not the goodness that comes with redemption. We convince ourselves that our value comes from what we are doing and not from who we are, because deep down, we feel that we are not enough. Take away our successes, our deeds, our acts of kindness, and what is left? We are so afraid to go there that we do everything in our power to prevent having to sit alone with what we perceive to be our inadequate selves.

Tim Keller, one of my absolute favorite pastors, said the following in regards to repentance and grace:

"A discovery of your sin and weakness is going to lead you to despair. In other words, repentance leads to despair if you don't understand the gospel, and repentance leads to joy and love and a birth of energy and growth if you do...because repentance leads you to a greater appreciation and thrill at what Jesus has done for us...[so] on what basis do you believe God loves you?"

Here's the reality--we are enough. Because of God's grace, because of God's love, and because of His hope, we are more than enough. He doesn't want our deeds--He doesn't need them. He wants our heart. My thoughts then, on dying to yourself, is that it really means to live into grace. To abandon your performances. To love who you are in this moment, to appreciate the value that God has place on your life before you did anything to deserve it. Because that is what is worth believing, that is the gospel that we were meant to operate from. And the truth of it is, we won't be able to love others well until we can fully rest in this fact. Our work will become exhausting, or hearts will be hardened, and we will always, always come up short.

Dying to yourself is to grab hold of life--to hold fast to the honest reality that you are loved exactly as you are  without the things you cling to in order to justify your existence. Love yourself well because you are supposed to--don't discount the grace that was painfully wrought on your behalf. You were made to be rejoiced over. I hope that sinks into your soul today.