naked and unashamed.

Some people really don't like nakedness. Some people do. I have always been indifferent to it. As a child, I had quite a few health problems. Being in and out of hospitals and doctors appointments were synonymous with being unclothed. There really wasn't much of an option there, and so I learned to be unashamed in my nakedness.

And I think that is always the way I operated with others--physically, emotionally. There were some things that were out of my control, and so I learned to be OK with showing others my proverbial naked parts. I could talk quite eloquently about my problems, about my pain. I was open in who I was because I figured at least then I had some control over how others perceived me. I could dim the lights on my nakedness, hide the parts that I wasn't so proud of, soften the edges and angle my heart so that what was reflected was that which I had carefully constructed for others to see--and nothing more.

In short, I faked nakedness.

I figured that sharing my scars, being willing to show them up front and warn people of them beforehand was equivalent of the same vulnerability that comes with nakedness. I thought that if I could just tell people who I was--negative aspects and all--I could achieve the intimacy I wanted. That I could explain away my issues and perhaps fool them into thinking about me in the way that I needed them to. I wanted to be naked and unashamed, but really I was neither of those things.

I didn't even know how to be naked, and I was constantly ashamed.

And I was afraid. Aren't we all? Aren't we all terrified that we aren't good enough? Normal enough? Unique enough? And so we hide in our nakedness. We do it in lots of ways and convince ourselves that we aren't. We think that if we are exposed, we will be rejected.

And there is some truth to that. Not everyone is worthy of our nakedness. Not everyone is to be trusted. But that doesn't define our worthiness, our beauty despite our shame. True vulnerability comes when we are able to accept ourselves as we are. There are people who help us with that, who help us to see that our shame is uncalled for and that it is OK to be naked. But ultimately, it is up to us. We have to learn to love ourselves with grace and kindness, we have to learn to be naked and unashamed with ourselves. 

If you are like me, you may have entered a season where you don't really have much of a choice. You may be tired, broken down, and unable to hide it as well as you did before. You may find yourself completely bare--scrambling to cover yourself up and ashamed by your nakedness. You may feel painfully vulnerable. My advice--embrace it.

Be naked.

And learn to be unashamed. Love yourself, your good and bad parts, because they make up who you are. Be compassionate towards yourself in the same way you would to those around you. Recognize that it is within our nature to be imperfect--we were born that way and will be that way until we die. Don't rush to clothe yourself or try to cover up your shame. It's OK to be naked. It's not anything that everyone hasn't seen before. You aren't alone.

Naked and unashamed.