On letting go.

There are so many cliches on this subject that it almost feels unnecessary to write about it, but there are so many of them for a reason--we all need to let go of something every once and awhile. I have been thinking about this concept quite a bit lately and what it means for my life at this time, in this space. Let go. Of what? Bad relationships? Perfectionism? My dreams for the future?

All I know is that is has been gnawing at me, tugging on my heart and my head in small ways that have been difficult for me to acknowledge. Mostly this was because I didn't know what it was that I was supposed to be letting go of, and I was scared of what it would mean for me if I did. We all know that letting go is hard, and there are so many valid reasons for this. We don't like the unknown, for one. But what if the unknown is better than the known? What if by letting go we are actually latching on to something instead?

I have struggled with depression my whole life. It is familiar to me, almost comforting even. There is something about my sadness that is very grounding in its nature, letting me know who I am and how I feel, however miserable that may be. And I like it. I like the predictability of my depression, the constancy of it. I like knowing how I feel and what to expect and how to view myself. It's comfortable. It is safe. It's easy. And in some dysfunctional way it feels right, more true to the unassuming reality I want to believe in order to stay in my box. But it's not accurate.

I am a beautiful, strong woman. I have gifts and talents, compassion to offer the world. But I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm being too confident, too hopeful in the future that I have planned for myself. I'm terrified to let go of the identity that I spent 24 years carefully protecting. The identity that was defined by who I thought I was, rather than who I was not. And let me tell you what I am not--I am not weak, shallow, or unworthy of love. I am vibrant, full of life and joy and laughter and ready to embrace these qualities as TRUTH. This doesn't mean that I don't have my days of sadness, my moments of doubt in myself and the people around me. What it does mean is that I am willingly letting go in order to hold on--to hold on to hope, goodness, and the knowledge that this world is waiting for everything I was born to be.

I want to practice letting go in order to hold on. Releasing the things that are toxic, the doubts that threaten to take me over, the shadow of my old self. It's not easy. It's uncomfortable. It feels like maybe I'm doing something wrong by willingly letting all this light into my soul. But if I can so easily believe the dark, what is stopping me from doing the same with its counterpart? If I am going to anchor my heart somewhere, it better be a place that will be able to weather the storm. Because the waves will come, and at times they may seem higher than what we can manage. But if we can latch on to the belief that we are worth fighting for and that we are capable of the fight, than the only thing that will sink are our doubts.

 Let go. Hold on. Allow yourself the opportunity to experience the best things in life, the ones that require vulnerability and courage. There will be storms. There will be wreckage. But there will also be a lighthouse to guide you through because you lit it yourself. You may not make it right away, and it may feel better to turn back. But the darkness does not define the light--you do.

Let's risk the ocean. There's only grace.