Less love.

"It is not that she wants more, child. It is that she wants less. Arthur's love for her exceeds reason, surpasses all the prescribed rules, and it frightens her."

I have been disengaging my whole life. Disengaging from people, from relationships. From myself. I have always felt things really strongly, past my soul and straight to my heart. It makes it difficult to be present because so often I am not. I am lost in my head, trying desperately to keep my emotions from overcoming my thoughts. It's exhausting, but it's the way I have learned how to live.

And with this disengagement I have hurt and been hurt. Lost in a sea of trying to care less in order to be less vulnerable. In trying to be strong. Unfazed. And within this space I have become the definition of cool. Nonchalant. Safe. And also a little bit dead inside.

I don't want to be perceived as crazy, needy, emotional--you know. All the words we get slammed with as women. We never want to be that girl. The unhinged one. The one that wants just a little too much, who gets a little too attached too quickly. And so we play the game. We distance ourselves from who we are and from each other. Because in loneliness there is at least predictability.

But that's the thing--we are alone.

Your heart will break a million times, in this day and days to come. We will be crazy at times. That's also a guarantee. Love is still worth it. That's a fact. Because without it we will not survive the dark. We will lack purpose and meaning, joy and hope. We must lean into the love we feel--from God, ourselves, and others. We must want more love, not less.

We cheapen our value when we only accept the love we think we are worthy of. Because the true truth is that our behavior and who we are does not determine how much love we are to receive. Love is not dependent upon these things. It is within our human relationships at times, which is why so many of us have shut ourselves off from the world. But at the center of it all, the greatest love that we can experience, that steady, unchanging adoration--that's not less love. That's more. It's powerful and scary and a little bit overwhelming. It's the God-of-the-universe kind of love. It's the lens that we should be looking at ourselves through. That we should be asking other people to see us through. That we should believe as most real about ourselves because it is the actual reality.

And we can feel God's love and live out of it, but we also have to tell ourselves our worthiness and live out of it. We have to keep bringing our minds and hearts back to these things, because we forget. Because so many people tell us differently, because we are capable of hurting and being hurt. But you are the only you there is--flaws and all. And we all have flaws. We don't look at each other as broken and unworthy because of our scars, and we should do no less for ourselves.

Don't settle for less love. For disengagement. Be brave. Take heart. Love wildly.

Love more.