the secret of the poor.

Though I have known for many years, somehow I had forgotten that to give your life away is to gain it. I think that sometimes, this world gets the better of us. It is very easy to self-sacrifice and to serve when things are easy, or when it is popular to do so. I spent the better half of my years going on trips to Nicaragua or working at a camp for low-income kids from the city. At that time I didn't know any different--I couldn't imagine my days any shorter or simpler or less crazed.

And part of this was good. It was good to learn how to live within the minimum of my needs because it left all this space from which to experience the tangible intangibles of life--love, joy, peace. I remember when I went to Nicaragua our trip leader spoke about "the secret of the poor". How young orphans gave away their last piece of cake or clothing or shoes just so another could taste and see and feel the comforts of life. These kids knew how to gain life, and it was through giving it away. 

Now I think sometimes, we confuse what it means to give ourselves away. Sometimes we start to do so because we are motivated by fear or by being good enough, or because we can't sit still with ourselves. This type of sacrifice is dangerous and prone to burn out. I think there's something to be said about living out of the overflow and not from the drought, about loving others through grace and freedom and because they are who they are, where they are, and not because we feel like we have to. 

I think also that sometimes we forget that the giving is also messy and hard and requires deep sacrifice. We want to believe if we just donate the money or visit the people or serve the poor every once in awhile we are doing enough. Now I'm not big on rules or regulations or telling people that what they are doing is not adequate. I lived in that space for awhile, and I will tell you it's neither healthy nor life giving for anyone.What I am saying is that there is this special, vulnerable, worn out space where God meets our desire to give and our passion to live--where he honors our sacrifice and where we touch the outskirts of heaven.

I have learned that is is very possible to do good things with good intentions and never actually see the beauty that is inherent in them. I have learned that you can do this for a very long time and eventually feel dead inside. But I have also learned that when I stop striving and start being, when I bring balance to my life but also work hard to sacrifice for others, I see miraculous things happen and feel a deep sense of peace. 

All the people I have helped, all the darkness I have seen, all the hope that I have experienced has shown me over and over that to lose your life is to gain it. And while it is great to follow this rule based on knowledge, it is far better to experience it based on love. And if this year has taught me anything it is love. What a difference it makes. 

I work with men who experience homelessness and kids living below the poverty line and as much as I want to believe that I am a good person, what I have come to find out is that I am the luckiest girl on the planet. For the first time maybe in a long time I have discovered what it means to love without ceasing, to show up again and again and again no matter how badly behaved, crazed, or difficult a person may be because I have seen what is on the other side. I have seen people change, I have seen whole lives turned around in a different direction. I have seen healing and wholeness and brokenness and pain and at the end it has all been well with my soul. 

Life does not stop being hard. It is full of sorrow and seemingly hopeless situations. But if we are still and hold on and stop waving our hands frantically in the air we will see the secret of the poor. We will see that is is not our works or our skills or even how many hours we log into our day--it is our love. 

Our consistent, thoughtful, crazy love that changes this world over and over again. I can share story after story of the love that I have experienced, the bravery I have witnessed, and the compassion I have observed that has certainly not come from me. But these stories, these people I have come to admire and respect and care for with every part of who I am have taught me everything I could ever want to know about life.

And that is the secret of the poor. 

To love, even when it doesn't make sense.

Even when you are tired.

Even when it's not gratifying. 

Even when you want to run.

Stay. 

Love.

And experience life to the full.