obstacles and opportunities.

My mom was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer two years ago. There have been many uncertainties during this time, but only one thing has stayed consistent--my mom is alive. Despite everything, despite the statistics, the questioning, the status of her health--she is still with us. Still breathing, still encouraging. Still fighting for her life.

None of us have the answers. We don't know what's ahead of us, what there is to come. But my mom has hope. She has faith. She has not given up, not thrown her hands in the air in despair. She has accepted the challenge in front of her and resolved herself to surviving, and because of this, she is alive.

I've been thinking a lot about obstacles and opportunities, what it means to step up to the plate and take responsibility for what's been placed before us. Our time on earth can be so daunting, and at times it takes everything we have to uncover our eyes and ears to see and feel all the pieces of life--full of chaos and frenzied brilliance. I often find myself running away from the weight of all that is mine to carry, mine to fulfill. For some reason I thought that most people ran towards the option  of more--more power, more control, more recognition. But as I look back on my nearly 28 years, I have found that at every chance I had, I hid.

We tend to look at people in leadership positions and think that they always wanted to be there. That they fought for that promotion, carefully planned out their rise to success. Recently, one of my bosses reminded me that in history, God rarely chose men and women who wanted to be leaders--more often than not, those chosen resisted a great deal. They were too weak or too old or too disabled or too poor, they pleaded with God to pick anyone else. Now, I always knew that God chose the humble, the least likely to succeed. He chose those from whom his power could be displayed, and the idea was that their shortcomings demonstrated his grace and mercy, his ability to change the game from hopeless to eternally hopeful. And this was true--Moses had a stutter, Abraham and Sarah were old, many of his disciples were fishermen. Jesus loved the lowly.

But.

The lowly were not always excited to be chosen. They didn't want the perks that came with leadership, because the risk was too great, because they were afraid they would fail. Because it hurt, to carry people along with them, it hurt caring for the cause of the oppressed, for those stuck in slavery. It was uncomfortable and inconvenient and uncertain and couldn't God just find someone else?

He could.

But he chose them.

So.

I'm trying to stop fighting against who God is calling me to be. And while I may not know how or when or where I do know who. And the responsibility is heavy. But as much as I may feel it, I'm not carrying it alone.

I'm not walking alone.

Though there may be times I look ahead and behind and see nothing but desert and emptiness--

I have not been abandoned.

And  I take great comfort in this. I take comfort that though there will be times I am physically by myself, that impossible decisions have to be made, decisions that involve lives that hang in the balance--I am still not alone.

God is with me.

In one of his sermons, Tim Keller talks about how the hero of a story never wants to own up to the responsibility of his destiny--the kingship, the rescuer, whatever. As a whole, we are afraid.

And he goes on to say, Jesus himself was afraid. He begged God to let him skip out on the cross. He sweat blood, real actual, stress induced blood. The responsibility of what was ahead of him caused him to be under such extreme duress that his physical body reacted.

But he went.

And we too, must go.

We must remember that though the weight is heavy and the risk is high, our call remains the same. 

Stand up a little straighter.

Look up a little farther.

And see the promise of heaven shining on the other side.

The promise of hope.

You may have to cross the desert.

But you will never walk alone.

Because:

"The one who has called you is faithful,
and he himself will do it."

1 Thessalonians 5:24