I used to think emotions, at least the unpleasant ones, were bad. This was unfortunate because I seemed to experience a disproportionate amount of them on a daily basis. Anxiety, depression, anger...these were my companions. No matter how hard I tried I could not stop myself from feeling everything, all the time. I couldn't hide it and I couldn't fake it and I couldn't make it go away. Emotions, it seemed, were my kryptonite.
I spent many, many years trying to stuff those feelings down as far as I could. I was unsuccessful. The thing about emotions is that they demand to be heard, to be seen, one way or another. They will come out in a myriad of ways, and the honest truth is that the more we try to push them away, the harder they fight their way back to the surface. This looks different for every person, but for me it resulted in some major depression and a large dose of self-hatred.
In therapy, particularly cognitive behavior therapy, we talk a lot about core beliefs. Essentially the premise is that every person has a set of ideas about themselves that are largely inflexible and usually unhelpful. These beliefs often are rooted in some form of evidence, but we take them as all encompassing truths about ourselves. They tend to be quite critical and literal in nature, causing us to suffer under their demanding weight. Some common ones are:
I'm bad.
I'm too much.
I'm broken.
Sound familiar? If so, thank you for being honest. It not, congratulations to you, I'm not sure how you've come to this place in life but by all means keep it to yourself!!! We don't need to feel any worse about ourselves than we already do!!!
For me, the core belief that came up again and again and again was overly emotional. In my eyes, this meant that I was damaged, that there was something wrong with me, and that I was therefore unworthy of love. Nothing could change or challenge this idea I had of myself and everywhere I looked I seemed to find evidence to validate my assessment.
You see, the thing about core beliefs is that they are limited to a very specific, very particular set of glasses. When I put those glasses on, everything looks a certain way. However, if I were to put on the glasses of say, my best friend Tessa, everything would look different, including myself.
So. Which pair of glasses is revealing the truth, and which am I willing to believe? If it's true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, is what I'm choosing to behold helpful to me? Is it building me up, encouraging me, validating that I am doing the best that I can with what I have?
Usually, the answer to these questions is a begrudging no.
If you take anything away from my writing, anything at all, let it be this:
You are allowed to accept where you are while acknowledging you would like to move forward.
Life, loving yourself, creating balance...it is only found when we stop striving and let whatever come, come. Especially your emotions. The hard ones, the happy ones, the ones that scare you and the ones that fill you up and the ones that you want to keep and the ones you want to get rid of.
It. Is. ALL. OK.
Your emotions are god given, natural responses to the world around and the world within you. We are conditioned by our lives, by our experiences, by our DNA and by our brains and I have news for you!
WE DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER WHAT WE FEEL.
But we do get a say in how we choose to respond to ourselves in the middle of our mess.
Will we shame? Or will we show ourselves self-compassion?
Only one of those scenarios contributes to healing, and isn't that the goal?
Not that we aren't complex, chaotic, neurotic people...but that we can be those things and LOVE OURSELVES ANYWAY.
If you feel, deeply, you must understand that this is a gift. Some days it will leave you flat on the ground, gasping for breath at the pain of it all, but other days it will allow you to connect and to empathize and to care for those around you in a way that only you can.
Your sensitivity to all of life's emotions help to make you who you are. And while I will be the first to say that sometimes I act out of those emotions in a way I am not proud of, this does not give me permission to hate myself.
We all have parts of ourselves that we'd like to change. The irony is that we cannot, will not heal until we can looks those parts in the eye and say "I see you, I love you. We are going to be OK".
The goal is not perfection. And if it is, this blog is not for you. I don't have any secrets or tips that will allow you to lead a blameless life.
We feel.
We fall,
We get back up again.
But don't spend a minute more convincing yourself that you are too much.
Because I've fought long and hard with that belief, only to come up with not enough.
And neither of those are true.
I have emotions, yes, but I am not only my emotions. I am not my depression or anxiety. I am not a walking panic attack. My tendency towards feeling in an intense and powerful way also allows me to experience joy, intimacy, and creativity in a way I would otherwise not. It makes me good at my job and able to connect to people no matter their background, and has produced some of my most meaningful work yet.
So today, I am thankful for being emotional. I am able to recognize both the vulnerability and strength it reveals. I am grateful for this unique, sometimes difficult gift that keeps me learning and growing and moving forward every second of the day. I know that I am a complex, sometimes crazy, always curious individual but.
I am trying my best while learning to accept the rest.
And to every single person who feels it all:
You are not alone.
I see you.
We need you.
You are not too much,
And will always be enough.
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