heartbreak and hope.

It's an age old question: what do you do with a broken heart? As a person who loves intensely and deeply, heartbreak is no stranger to me. And yet, it never stops being difficult. I think one of the hardest things in this lifetime to do is to accept that all things come to an end. We struggle against the changing of the tide because it is scary, because it takes all the joy and goodness and security we have experienced and washes it out to sea.

This fear   

that we can love and lose,

is often what keeps us from loving at all.

I have spent so much time avoiding intimacy because of fear. Call it what you want  attachment issues, commitment phobia, it all boils down to the same thing: I am afraid to love and lose. I have spent the majority of my relationships, friendships or otherwise, anticipating loss. It is so hard for me to sit in the present moment and enjoy what is right in front of me without my brain wandering into the past or future with extreme trepidation. Predicting and preparing for farewells is my specialty.

Unfortunately, life has much to offer in the way of loss. We lose jobs, outgrow friendships, go through breakups. People die. It's messy, this business of living. And yet, we have no choice but to keep moving forward in the face of grief, to put one foot in front of the other in the midst of suffering.

Heartbreak can steal away our hope.

It can hide it, cover it up so that's it's almost impossible to find. It can convince us that there's no point, that while life was generous to us for a time, that time is over.

At points, the pain of heartbreak can feel unbearable.

It can feel like something has been taken from you, something that was a part of you, something that moved within you and was as natural as breathing.

You can feel the tear, in your soul.

You can feel your heart physically break.

And the ache, it can make you wish all the good times away. It can convince you that it would have been better if it never happened, if you had never allowed your heart and home to make room for another person.

But that tenderness, that feeling of vulnerability and fear   

You're listening to it all wrong.

You're brain is trying to rationalize something that cannot be understood with words:

You have loved and lost.

We will never be able to make sense of it this side of heaven.

Grief becomes a familiar friend in these times.

But what I am learning, what I am trying to fight for, is to continue to live with my heart wide open. To continue to love fearlessly and courageously, even when I may lose, even if loss is a possibility.

I am finding that each time I allow myself to fall a little more, to love a little deeper, I am making space for more love to come into my life. I am stretching, pushing past my anxieties, and seeing that even when I experience a goodbye it doesn't destroy me.

There may be days where we feel like we can't possibly push through, that there is no way we can tolerate another loss, another heartbreak but  

We get through it.

So. I am leaning into my heartbreak because it is letting me know that what I lost was valuable. That it changed me in such a way that had I not experienced it I would not have been for the better. That it gave me the gift of love, no matter the time period, a gift that can only be received if we lean into it fully.

I know we want to protect ourselves, keep our fragile hearts safe.

I know.

But don't ever stop loving. Don't ever stop showing up to what life has to give you, especially when it's really good, especially when it's sweet and full and whole. Yes, there is always the possibility of loss. Yes, our heart does have the capacity to break.

It also has the capacity to heal.

And sometimes, sometimes we need a glimpse of the good to just make it to the next day. To get through all the bad moments, to remind us that life can still be beautiful and full of hope despite what has happened to us.

Love prevails despite our circumstances.

Don't let it go because it hurts too much.

Being without it is much harder.

Much darker.

Your heart may fall to pieces, but the pieces will be put back together.

Not always in the way we want.

But with time, in the way we need.

You are not alone.

You will get through this.

Stay open.

Love is never lost.

And it will find its way back to your heart again.