There are many ways of knowing, of learning to trust ourselves and the process that is living. When I look back at my younger years, I can see the undercurrent of my true self weaving in and out of my choices. There were the decisions I made from who I thought I was supposed to be, who I wanted to be, and sometimes—who I really was. I have found that our souls have a profound way of re-directing us to who we are underneath the more performative acts of our nature. And while we worry that the wandering is a waste of time, really it is just another way of reflecting our light within, gently guiding us home little by little.
As someone who struggles with mental illness, faking it isn't
really part of my repertoire. However, I have tried to outrun myself on several occasions. As a young adult, I wanted to be happier, nicer, more patient. I wanted to be normal.
So I squeezed myself into places I didn’t quite fit, and the result
was always incredibly painful. And while I believe that many of my mental
health issues were biological in nature, I also know that sometimes they were indicators of inauthentic ways of being. As Parker Palmer in Let Your Life Speak put it, sometimes depression is really just a friend trying to
get your attention, pressing you down to the self that is longing to be heard.
Whenever I meet with clients and they thank me for my help,
I always remind them that really, they already know the answers to what they
are looking for. Therapists are just facilitators for the inner self trying to make its way to the surface. Our divine nature is very powerful,
pulling us back to our center even when we don’t realize it. I think this is a
comforting thing to remember, to recognize and trust that we know the way even
when it feels like we are lost. I have entertained my own fair share of chaotic
experiencing, a practice deeply familiar to me from
childhood. Externalizing our feelings and behaviors is a quick attempt to
escape suffering, but generally just exacerbates it. All of us can fall into
the habit of reactionary living—because it is familiar, because it is easier,
and because it protects us from the vulnerability we desperately seek to avoid.
Many spiritual paths speak about the journey within—what I
believe to be our most holy offering to humanity itself. We each are a key that
has the potential to unlock goodness and hope and freedom and love in this
world. We do ourselves and those around us a disservice if we are not living
from our grounded self. Another way I have heard this concept explained is to
live from the back, not the front. The front is where we go to present our ego in
all its fragility and confusion. The back is a place of stillness, of space. It
is from here we are able to access our ability to transform, which in turn
allows others to do the same.
I have spent so many moments not trusting myself, not
listening to my inner voice. I have spun out, shut down, and begged others for advice
and guidance. None of these things were necessarily bad—they all were a part of
me growing forward in the only way I knew how. But I can see now how I participated
in my own suffering at points, complicating situations in an effort to control
them. I think all this time I have just been trying to figure out how to live
graciously with myself, to listen to the light inside and believe in its inherent
goodness.
In Sanskrit, the word namaste translates to “the divine in me bows to the divine in you.” I think now, more than ever, finding divinity within ourselves and each other is not only necessary, but a matter of life and death. The path to knowing becomes that much more vital because our actions (and inactions) profoundly impact those around us. The place of stillness, where we can sit back into our soul, is also a place from which we can effect rooted change because it is where the strands of all our humanity join together—and true stillness always leads to right action.
So learn to listen. There are many ways of knowing. Follow the strand that leads to where your soul finds freedom to just be. Then be with yourself. Especially in the tough moments, the ones where you wish that you were someone else all together. And be with each other. We are all in need of a little space, a little tenderness in the hurting places, someone to see the divine within...
and someone to walk with us home.
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