The countdown.

One year ago at about this time, my life was changed. By Beyonce.

I'm not kidding. If you want a picture perfect painting of a woman with unapologetic strength and incredible beauty, just pop in one of her fabulous CDs. She has taught me the very important aspect of sass in every day life. She has brought truth to my questions of single-hood and empowered me to become a survivor. And yes, I do that believe that girls run the world--did you even have to ask?

Most personal to me, however, is the fact that she taught me to count down. I don't know whether or not you have heard the actual song, Countdown, by Ms. Sasha Fierce--but if you haven't, you should, and you should right NOW. I have posted the youtube link below for your convenience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XY3AvVgDns

I mean, can an anthem get any better than this? If you want to know how to love someone wholeheartedly while also remaining fiercely independent, Beyonce is most certainly your woman. She makes it all sound so easy and so AWESOME at the same time. You tell me you didn't want to prance around your kitchen in some hott high heels after listening to THAT.

Anyway, the Countdown is mostly meaningful to me because it signifies how much growth can occur in a year. Last fall, I was a struggling person. Actually, I don't even know if you could call me a person at that point in time. It was a tough life, you can take my word for it. I was running after Jesus, for sure, depending on my friends (and therapist), alot, and doing whatever I could to find the spark of life that had seemed to disappear in my soul. But I was dying inside. Slowly, painfully, I was fading into darkness.

And then--a halo appeared.

Now, I know you are thinking I'm being over dramatic, and truth be told--I am . But I really do feel like God sent me the angel of Beyonce to boost my spirits and remind me that, I too, have a Sasha Fierce within me. I have the potential for greatness, respect, and all around kick-ass awesomeness. And what was sweet about the Countdown, was that it was OK that I wasn't quite there yet. That didn't mean I wasn't trying, it didn't mean that I lacked what it took at the time, and it most certainly didn't mean that it would never happen. It was, however, the start of my very own countdown.

I would play this song over and over and over again, until the words no longer held meaning for someone else but for me, Sarah, the girl who had exhausted her options and come up empty so many times before. The girl who never took chances, who accepted life as it was handed to her, who refused to be anything more than what she was for fear of failure.

One year later, that girl does not exist. The countdown has dwindled to one, and Sarah?

She's back. Rocking those high heels and demanding from life all that she so sadly gave up before.

So thank you, Beyonce. Thank you for teaching us to believe in who we are, for reminding us of all we have to offer, and most of all--for teaching us to countdown to the most fabulous version of ourself there is or ever will be.

The coloring book.

There are days where I wake up and that feeling is still there. You know--that one. The feeling of depression, hopelessness, despair.

For as good and as great as my days and life have been lately, I still get them. Those days.

I don't like waking up like that. Feeling empty and purposeless inside. Feeling dead--numb to the world and apathetic to my relationships. Feeling like my life doesn't matter, that life itself doesn't matter. The worst is feeling nothing at all--no pain, no anxiety. Just blank. A canvas that has lost its color and substituted all that beauty for grey. For nothing.

Well, if therapy (and being a counseling graduate student) has taught me anything thus far it is that I have the power to PAINT IN ALL THE COLORS I WANT. I have the choice to use whatever materials I can handle, really. Newspaper, yarn, chalk, pastels--they are all mine and my responsibility to engage. Art doesn't just happen on its own--you have to create it.

I think that life, by in large, is very similar. There is a whole lot of mystery out there--a whole lot of beauty and love and peace that is meant to be experienced--that needs to be experienced by someone. Its pretty easy to get stuck in routine. We get caught up in our schedules and our responsibilities. We forget how to color outside the lines. We forget to find joy and and meaning in the world around us. Most of all, we forget ourselves. We dress ourselves in grey and substitute the canvas for a coloring book. We want direction, not imagination. We crave control and exchange adventure for what seems safest.

Ultimately, we lose.

LIFE is WAITING. It's there, just for you. There is so much, so much good to be done in the world. Hope is a possibility--for you, for others. We have dreams to fulfill, our own dreams as well as the dreams of others. You can change, and in turn, change the world.

So today, when you catch yourself in a cycle you don't want to be in, do something. Anything--take a walk, watch the sunset, ask a friend to get coffee. Don't stay in your cubicle and color in that damn coloring book. Buy a canvas, fill it with color. And in the same way, color your days with the things that are important--the beauty of love, laughter, and always life.

To the kids of Mont Lawn Camp-I owe you.

To my MLC campers:

After my first summer at camp, a teacher I had asked me to compose a letter to someone I thought needed to hear how I felt about them. I chose you all. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives for all these summers--you are my heroes and I am so incredibly blessed by what each of you have brought to my life.

Don't ever forget it!

An Open Ended Letter the Kids of Mont Lawn Camp

            Do you know how loved you are? Do you know that you are precious, unique, and one of a kind? No one can replace you in this world. Your smile, your laugh, and all your movements are things to rejoice over. The day you were born you brought forth light and life you didn’t even know you had. Even if you do nothing at all, your importance does not dwindle. You are beautiful by just being.

            When you are sad, when you feel that you are nothing special, do you know how meaningful and irreplaceable you are? You are worth everything, without the makeup, clothes, or money. You don’t have to be a good dancer, singer, or anything else. You are wonderful just as you are. Do you know that? You don’t have to be tough, and you don’t have to fight back. Your power does not come from other people, no one can tell you who you are or what you deserve—because you deserve the world.

            If you fall, mess up, or feel unsuccessful, know that you have grace. Know that not one is perfect in this world, and never will be. Outward appearances and brittle smiles mean nothing if your heart is not in the right place. All that is expected of you is what you can give, and that, my dear, is everything. Don’t be afraid of failure, because it does not determine your value. I sincerely believe that you can do anything. Dream big, little one.

            Please know that it is ok to cry. That it is ok to depend on someone else, and ok to love. Yes, it may be painful, and yes, you will get hurt, but there is nothing left in this life if you close your heart to every opportunity to care and be cared for. Move forward in hope and faithfulness, giving help to those who need it. Pick others up as you go, because sometimes healing comes from walking with them through their own struggles. You will be amazed at your own strength.

            When you feel that you are at your breaking point, that nothing will be right again—remember that life is always worth living. There is such joy yet to be had. You have the opportunity to write your own story with whatever you want in it, the very world is at your fingertips. Don’t be ashamed of your background; don’t be ashamed of where you’re from, because they have made you who you are today. You are capable of all things. Your story is one to be proud of. You are smart, you will excel, and I believe in you so very much.

            Thank you for being a part of my journey, you have no idea how much it has changed me. I have been inspired by your hearts, by your talents, by your very presence in my life. I have received such joy from watching you work together, love each other, and selflessly place your friends and family before yourself. You put almost every adult I know to shame, including myself. It has truly be a privilege to spend time with every one of you—I hope you know that you have taught me to love, that you have taught me the tenderness of caring for others, and the life that comes from opening your heart in vulnerability.

            Continue to smile, continue to reach out, and continue to let your colors show. You are going to rock the very core of this world with who you are. Stop comparing yourself to others. You are who you are, where you are—you can and will make a difference however little it may seem. And always remember, please always remember, that you are a blessing in every way. Rest knowing that you simply are—and that is more than enough.

Have the courage to be OK.

How did I get to be so blessed in this life?

There are these friends I have from this camp I worked at--I call them family. We are a diverse, crazy group of individuals that only God himself could have possibly placed together. We come from different  everything. Different backgrounds, different states, different ethnicities and completely different cultures. Who would have thought that a White girl from small town suburbia and a Puerto Rican from the Bronx could ever be friends, much less familia?

This is just one example of the many awesomely inspiring relationships that I have had the privilege of experiencing first hand.

You see if I had to sum up what my friends from camp--my family--have taught me in the five years of knowing them, it's that I am loved exactly as I am. I am accepted, I am celebrated, and I am genuinely and whole-heartedly loved. Do you know what that feels like? To be surrounded by people who graciously and openly welcome your successes, your heartbreaks and even your failures into their lives? Who take you by the hand or hold you by the heart and remind you of who you are when you feel like you can't even begin to be yourself again?

It feels like heaven. It feels like God knows your heart and put those people there to show his infinite love and care for you. Not "people" in general or the stranger next to you in church. You, the individual, unique and broken as you are. He knows.

I think for me, he knows that what I needed most of all was courage.

You see, my family has courage with a capitol C in the front. It is what shapes their days--it shows up in the way they serve the people around them, in the way they view themselves, and most of all in the way they love me. They have all faced their share of challenges and some pretty dark tunnels. They have wrestled with the hard things and struggled through their doubts. There are seasons they are not so proud of, but I can find many more reasons to be proud of them. They have shown me what it means to courageously step out into the world with big expectations and even bigger dreams.


And you know what? Courage isn't always what it looks like in the movies. Sometimes it is quiet--even unseen. It can be in the decision to take a tricky job or a leap of faith on something that isn't exactly guaranteed. But best of all, I think I see it in their courage to be OK. They look at themselves, at the people around them and at me and say, "you are OK." Not, "you need to try harder" or "you could have done better" but , "YOU ARE OK."

I don't mean OK in the sense of mediocre or barely acceptable. I mean it in the all encompassing, grace inducing love filled acceptance of the person exactly as they are. When I am freaking out or insecure or positive they think I am a total failure, they look right past my crazy, grab hold of my hand and say, "YOU ARE OK." I love you, and I'm not going anywhere.

Courage. They have it--and little by little they are instilling it in me.


 So family--know that I am so incredibly thankful for every hour you have spent telling me that my crafts are the best thing the Hobby House has or ever will see. Thank you for assuring me that though I may have fifty emotional break-downs in front of you, you do not get tired of hearing me talk (though I know that sometimes you do...we've all been there). For letting me make mistakes and waiting patiently for me to grow into the person I was made to be.

And in the meantime, thanks for giving me the courage to be OK.