The best thing I never had.

I love Beyonce. I mean really, who doesn't? This isn't the first time I've written a blog about one of her songs and I'm sure it won't be the last. Recently I was driving in my car and her amazingly sarcastic song "Best Thing I Never Had" came on. I found myself being unusually pumped by the lyrics as I loudly and proudly sang them off key in my car. It was sort of confusing though because I didn't have any recent exes to speak of that I felt particularly better off without. So with my counselor self I took a moment to examine what was going on inside me and realized that B's words were moving because there was something that I felt triumphant to be moving on from--and it wasn't a man.

It was my old life.

I know this sounds cheesy and perhaps even a little far fetched, but I needed to write it because it signals to me how far I have come. There is something within me, that is now a definitive part of my makeup, that knows I have moved on to better and brighter things. I remember so distinctly a time in my life when all was dark. When I thought my world would not get better, that my days had been numbered and all that was left was more pain and sadness. More fear. A time when I really believed I was going to end up alone and hopeless, without a future and barely clinging to the present. And now, that time is gone. That future that I held on to with such conviction and loyalty turns out to be the best thing I never had--and I can't help but joyfully sing about it. 

I was so certain of where my life would go, the type of person I would emulate. I thought I knew what I wanted, what relationships I needed in order to be able to function. Truthfully, my world was small. I was confined to a box that I had built around myself and was so sure that no other reality could possibly exist. I couldn't imagine a better life for myself because I couldn't see all that I was--a bright, beautiful young woman full of hope and resiliency. Capable and strong. Worthy.

How often do we do this? Define ourselves by what we think we deserve. Quietly deafen our screams for something different because we are too afraid to hope. Believe that we are invaluable and disposable, that we could not possibly matter to the world. Give up or make ourselves smaller.

I want to look back on my years and realize that I chose to let go of that which only served to bring me down. To triumphantly realize that I did not settle for a life that was less of me and more of everyone else. To know that I fought for goodness in the midst of difficulty, that I tried with all my might to let my light shine brightest even in the darkest of storms. To recognize my potential and live with unconditional confidence in my ability to change and grow into all that I was meant to be. 

To acknowledge who I thought I would be as the best thing I never had. 

Today in the midst of all the doubt and uncertainty remember that you get to choose where your path goes from here. Don't give up. Don't surrender. And wave goodbye to the past in true Beyonce fashion.